[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
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i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
The only thing longer than a minute left on the microwave is a minute on the treadmill.
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
[knock at door]
ME: yes?
COP: is there a party going on?
ME: well, it’s my dog’s birthday-
[police dog jumps out with a present in his mouth]
COP: SURPRISE
There’s no human I hate more than the attendant in the bathroom at bars. Bro, I can handle this portion of my day ASSISTANCE FREE.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
Worst perfume name ever.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
I don’t have an insurance policy on myself because there’s no sense in tempting my wife more than she already is.
*runs 3 steps*
my heart: if u don’t stop i will
I woke up hoping for an easy morning, then my 3 year old came downstairs and informed me that she wasn’t planning on using her hands today. This should be fun.
me: *opens one eye* I’m still awake
spider: *removes leg from my mouth and backs away* sorry
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“Honey, remember our first date?”
“Awh, are you planning something for Valentine’s?”
“No, I forgot my password. It’s the security question.”
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
Therapist: You pretentiously slip French words into conversations because of your deep-seated insecurity.
Me: Touché.
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
Husband: Give me one example.
Me: ALL the times.
Husband: Those don’t count.
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
[crime scene]
this is the 3rd footless person hes killed sir
“i guess hes..”
please god n–
“LACKTOES INTOLERANT”
*cops taze him for 8 hours*
[class trip]
I’m farmer Joe, this is my farm
DO U HAVE COWS?
Yes, it’s a dairy farm
DO U HAVE WHALES?
Kid, why wouldn’t we have whales?
A small child could swim through the veins of a blue whale’s heart. Let’s make this happen.
You think your day was bad? I just had a 15 minute long argument with a couch cushion.
I worked at Subway many years ago and one night a lady brought in her own cheese for me to use on her sub
I don’t work for the health department so I did it anyway
[first day as a doctor]
Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
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