[talking with ex]
Me: Is he more boring than me?
Her: He is.
Me: *devastated* How could you?
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You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise
Teach a man to fish and he will evolve to become so skilled at it that he destroys the ocean and kills every last fish. Nice one education.
WIFE: if you misinterpret one more thing I say, I’m leaving
ME: please don’t, I promise I’ll change
WIFE: ok you’ve got a week
ME: [crying] a weak what?
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
*slips seductively out of shorts*
You know what that means…
*sleeps soundly for 7 hours*
*drools a little*
COP: Know why I stopped you?
“Drag racing?”
COP: Nope.
“Speeding?”
COP: Definitely not.
“Cuz I’m on a unicycle?”
COP: That’s the one.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
Nobody in this neighborhood ever got along until we all hated your rooster.
friend: wait, so she really left you because of how you pronounce certain words?
me: yeah, so supposebly I pronounce it “expresso” and it makes her exspecially upset, idk
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
Friend: That guy looks exactly like you
Me: *looks at guy*
Former Friend: You see it, right?
I don’t want to do exercise, but I want to have done exercise.
Interview
Boss: What could you bring to this company?
Me: Well I guess I could bring my stereo, but I get to choose what we listen to.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
My stylist: Your hair is dry and damaged.
Me: Hey! I think it’s fine.
My stylist: Yes, that too.
Dad vacation to do list
1. Wake up at 6 AM for no reason
2. Buy a local newspaper
3. Complain about the coffee maker
4. Try to make people feel bad for sleeping in
5. Seafood
6. Call the GPS stupid
7. Organize the fishing stuff again
ME: shouldn’t i, the one who has accumulated all the debt, be known as the debt collector?
DEBT COLLECTOR: *muffled whispering*
ME:
DEBT COLLECTOR: i’ll call you back
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Just got every hair on my body waxed off except eyebrows and head. I look like a naked mole rat.
Men, come & get me if you’re into rodents.
tossing the phrase “slappery slope” into the discourse like a beach ball and moonwalking away