Cop: You there! Hands over your head!
Me: *raises hands*
*30 avocados fall out of shirt*
Cop: Holy guacamole!
[talks about how badass wolves are for 20 mins]
date: can we talk about something else?
[pulls out powerpoint on why wolves are badass] No
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Your résumé says you have a “take no prisoners attitude”. You know you are applying to be a corrections officer, right?
cop: do you have a permit for this?
noah: god told me to build it
cop: is that true?
god: never seen this man before in my life
People always say “unceremoniously fired” like it ever happens any other way. I’d like to see a big ceremony for firing somebody. Get the gang together. Order a cake. Wear some special robes.
[leaving Whole Foods]
wife: Can you believe we only spent $100?
*apple falls out*
me: Well that was a waste of $100
My parents sold their house like a month ago but my mother JUST realized she did not uninstall the special fire alarms she had put in that are a recording of her own voice screaming at me and my sister to “GET OUT OF THE HOUSE BECAUSE MOM’S CANDLES CAUGHT THE HOUSE ON FIRE”
life: here’s some lemons
life: a bad hairline too
life: also anxiety lol
me: why did u start with citrus
[me as a snake handler]
Hi, I’m here to put handles on all your snakes.
In the meantime I plan on absolutely crushing it over on LinkedIn.