Tall, fit, great hair, dazzling smile, good with kids, excellent swordsman, right-handed.
~ Captain Hook’s Tinder profile ~
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Who needs an Air Fryer?
Twitter is great because it allows me to show off my hilarious mind without showing off my hilarious body…
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
Them: But, if you’re both dudes, who’s “the lady” in your relationship?
Me: Janet Jackson. Always.
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
Found her drawer full of personal massage devices.
Poor thing. Her back must be killing her. Anyone know a good chiropractor?
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
I carry a stone around to throw at anyone I hear singing Christmas songs before Thanksgiving.
I call it my Jingle Bell Rock.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Flight attendants will honestly open a pack of m&ms and feed the entire plane with it.
Here’s your m
And an m for you
It takes a keen ear to pick out a girl’s “I haven’t finished but I know you’re about to, so I’ll try to be supportive” moan.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
[Trying to impress a girl on a date]
Me: “Not to brag but I’m getting Windows 10 for free.”
nyc:
We need to put an American base on the sun
Not gonna elaborate, but I just found out the hard way that the phrase isn’t “self defecating humour”
me: *stabs vampire*
wife: omg
me: *beats zombie to death*
wife: OMG
me: what
wife: ur supposed to give them candy
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
My neighbor just told me “I’m going on a date with a new guy tonight. I think he’s in a cult. Still better than the biter.” Every married person should have a single friend who’s still on the apps, the divorce rate would approach zero
Friend: wyd
Me: *waxing my bits*
texts – Arts and crafts, you?
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
[donut shop]
me: I’ll take a bear claw
*loud roar from the back*
me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze
Well, the emergency alert did NOT turn me into a zombie yesterday, but now every time my phone rings, I cluck like a chicken.
sounds kinky. i’m in.
We mostly tweet about the velociraptors and the t rex because we don’t know what the other ones are called