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@dave_cactus: TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they're regular sized.
@Illuminati_Stop: "WATERMELON" HAS 4 SYLLABLES. "ILLUMINATI" HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT'S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
@Marlebean: "They say children learn by example, even for potty training."
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
@captainkalvis: Therapist: what would you say is your biggest fear
Me: chameleon bears
Therapist: but those don’t even exist
Me: *looking around nervously* how could anyone know
@Mr_Kapowski: This girl kept on winking at me while pantomiming brushing her teeth
Cool. You don't need my permission. Go do it, weirdo.
@HomeProbably: [at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.