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@dave_cactus: TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they're regular sized.
@PieChord: The only time my ex will ever scream "DEEPER, DEEPER" is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
@BrettDruck: Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
@trayofcheese: The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
@yerpalmildsauce: I bet centaurs never know who to root for at rodeos.
@Kristen_Arnett: how come in movies people can punch each other 500 times while falling off a building and get up but in real life i accidentally kicked the end of the couch and i had to lie on the floor for 30 minutes