TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
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My husband bought an alien green suv so he wouldn’t have to remember where he parked.
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
Almost quitting time…Cheers!🥂
villain: heh… this attack will feel like the entire universe bearing down on you!
me: can’t really wrap my head around that. dumb it down please
villain:
villain: this attack will feel like a horse kicking you in the head twice
me: oh shit
coming home late…
Me: Hey babe. What’s for dinner?
Her: Where the hell have you been?
Me: Didn’t we have that last night?
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
Well at least the world isn’t spinning uncontrollably around a huge ball of fire.
Does anyone know where I can hire a pirate ship, a sturdy crew and a young boy who can read haunted treasure maps? The reason? It’s… for a podcast I’m doing.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
A room full of people: ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀ ⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀⠀
My stomach: *SHRIEKS IN AUTOBOT*
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
Replacing all the mirrors at work with pictures of zombies. No one will notice.
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
me: thanks for the little cup of mountain dew
nurse: what mountain dew
me: it was on the bathroom counter
nurse: omg
me: what
nurse: u drank my mountain dew
tornados are just a bunch of ghosts fighting over a cow.
Even getting salmonella from cookie dough would not convince me that you can get salmonella from cookie dough
Someone rang my doorbell twice this morning, so I guess I’m having lunch behind the couch.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
Dentists are evil, they’re like reverse the tooth fairy because you’re broke after.
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun