TALL GUY: 6 feet, 4 inches.
ME: Wow! I only have two feet, but they’re regular sized.
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Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Big shoutout to whoever named Bagpipes. Fuckin’ nailed it, my dude.
Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
Me: was I born with a mental disorder?
Mom: did you iron a shirt while wearing it again
Me: NO
Mom: ?
Me: I thought pants would be different
I’m accused of being a plagiarist. Their words, not mine.
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
I wonder if somewhere there’s a seal colony that likes listening to a singer named Human.
There is no favoritism shown with our pets. The dog gets new toys and the cat gets the box they were shipped in.
If a tiger goes to bite you, confuse him by french kissing him.
You’ll probably still die, but at least you got to make out w/ a tiger.
Has science gone too far?
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
I wanted to tweet something but I think too many people would think I was 100% serious when I’m only like 87% serious.
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…
10 just said the 6 words every parent dreads hearing:
‘I need to practice my recorder’
Runner dad at the park: guess how many miles I ran this morning?
My 7yo: I don’t know, 30 million?
Him: No, 12
7yo: Oh. Well keep working on it. Never give up!
*Batman voice*
“I’m Batman.”*Wife voice*
“Go empty the dishwasher, Batman.”
Pass gas, not judgment.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
I don’t care what Bruce Lee said, entering a dragon is just poor advice.
Doctor’s orders say 30 crunches a day….That’s an awful lot of chocolate to eat but I guess I can give it a shot
After a long day at work I sat on the sofa in front of the TV.
Sensing I was stressed, my 7 year old sat next to me, smiled, and held my hand.
It’s nice and everything but it was my phone-holding hand.
“You the bomb” “No you the bomb”….- A compliment in America.An argument in the Middle East.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks