Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.

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[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]


My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.


If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?


How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”


Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because of my excellent turn signal skills?



went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser


[lights 2019 calendar on fire]

Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.

[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]


Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?