I used to be a tap dancer until I fell in the sink.
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
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I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.
Adam: This isnt so bad
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this
[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY
New law restricts lobbyists to the lobby. Citizen victory! Writing laws a bit less convenient! The lobby lobby, however, has won the day.
Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”
TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”