@bdbdleeroybrown

Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.

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@GrantTanaka

[history class in the year 2120]
teacher: so now let’s discuss america in 2020
students: [collective groan]

@kimtopher22

My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.

@Xalqee

If alcohol kills millions of brain cells, how come it never killed the ones that made me want to drink?

@treydayway

How the hell is Arby’s still in business? In nearly 37 years I’ve never heard, “Let’s go to Arby’s.”

@difficultpatty

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?

Me: Because of my excellent turn signal skills?

Cop: OMG YES THEY ARE SO GOOD.

@losdrogas

went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser

@dorsalstream

[lights 2019 calendar on fire]

Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.

[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]

@5hael

Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?