Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
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Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
me: can I wish for infinite wishes?
genie: no, you only get 3
me: I wish 3 meant infinite
genie:
me:
genie: *sigh* alright what else?
me: telephones but for dogs.
I see you’ve chosen to express your midlife crisis with cologne.
I just took out a spider so big that, moments after, the postman rang the doorbell and I thought it was the spider.
Flight attendant: Do we have a doctor on board
Me: I have a PhD in mathematics
Flight attendant: one passenger is having a heart attack and one passenger is having an asthma attack
Me: *nodding* that makes two
The British Museum will take anything but jokes.
He told me I’m too competitive but I think he’s just jealous I won at that puzzle.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Asking a woman to choose her favourite Disney movie is like asking her to choose her favourite child. My mum always choose Aristocats and my middle sister.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
I think the cat got the dog high.
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
My husband hates it when I say ‘long story short’ so I’m going to start saying ‘the long and the short of it’. Marriage is all about compromise.
The way I gotta put my hands up after eating a sandwich to prove to my dog I don’t have any left… the trust issues
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
A birth certificate is a basically a baby receipt.
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird
My first thought after seeing some recent footage of UFOs in our airspace was, “Guys, could you come back at a better time?”
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.