MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
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Me: I was arrested for drunk driving.
Me: Kidding! I failed my history test.
Mom: Whew. Ok.
*2 mins later*
Mom:Failed a test??
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes
*attempts seductive selfie in bed
*drops phone on face
No YOU’RE not worded correctly.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Backseat drivers are the worst. They’re always like “the light is red!” and “don’t text and drive!” and “oh god, I think that was a person!”
Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.