Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
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Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
100% of divorces begin with marriage.
Me: Let’s invite them over for dinner two weeks from now. It will be great!
Two weeks later. Husband and I cranky, annoyed and frantically cleaning.
Both: Never again.
Repeat.
oh u like geography? name every lake
New App Matches You With Others In Vicinity Who Wasted $2.99 On Same App
I understand that children are our future, but in the future can they be on a different train?
By the time I say “secondly,” I’m scrambling to come up with what’s “thirdly.”
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
Oh you want to roll up next to me with your bass thumping some gangsta rap so my whole car shakes?
That’s cool, hold on. Two can play this game.
*Turns up Baby Shark to max volume*
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
“What do we want?”
“Hearing aids.”
“When do we want them?”
“Hearing aids.”
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
Pest control guy, pulling a piece of drywall out to reveal an infant sitting inside the wall: Yep you got babies
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
[Casio headquarters, 1975]
CEO: We need to make our calculators more versatile. Give me your ideas.
First executive: Maybe they could also be phones?
Second executive, a smoker who often oversleeps: I have a better idea.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
[ first date ]
me: i’d like to see you again
chameleon: oh sorry
me: there you are
A new reality show “So You Think You Don’t Suck at Singing” where contestants vie for priority access to their local karaoke circuit
@Holy_Mowgli @funTweeters Glass repairman: I’m shattered
Maybe don’t show me a picture if you don’t want me to rate your baby.
Saying wash your hands
-Mundane
-May go unheard
-Have to beg my kids to do itRequesting the cleansing your portable sandwich fabricators
-Interesting
-An adventure
-Have to beg my kids to do it
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.