@bdbdleeroybrown

Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.

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@UtilityLimb

I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”

@UncleDuke1969

I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.

@RiotGrlErin

Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.

@JohnLyonTweets

Just watched The Hobbit: The Battle to Stay Awake for What Felt Like Five Hours.

@noog

[outside eden]
Adam: This isnt so bad
Eve: Yea
Adam: [mosquito lands on arm] Wtf is this

[5 min later]
Adam: [banging on gates] WE’RE SORRY

@AGreaterMonster

New law restricts lobbyists to the lobby. Citizen victory! Writing laws a bit less convenient! The lobby lobby, however, has won the day.

@JohnHilsen

Everyone who’s ever dated me knows one thing: fire is my weakness. Set my body on fire and it will cause great damage.

@duumb

journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?

me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]

@TheAlexNevil

[Italian restaurant]

LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”

TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”