@bdbdleeroybrown

Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.

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@rockymomax

MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol

@JustDontBugMe

Me: I was arrested for drunk driving.
Mom: *faints*
Me: Kidding! I failed my history test.
Mom: Whew. Ok.
*2 mins later*
Mom:Failed a test??

@DrakeGatsby

Me: I’m an actor

Date: Oh that’s cool!

Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”

Date: I love that movie!

Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.

@Contwixt

My entire life can be summed up by those anxious and awkward breaths; the ones where you wonder if the hiccups are really gone or not.

@CornOnTheGoblin

her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes

@clindsaysway

*attempts seductive selfie in bed

*drops phone on face

*chips tooth

@rpbateman

Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.

@jwoodham

Backseat drivers are the worst. They’re always like “the light is red!” and “don’t text and drive!” and “oh god, I think that was a person!”

@amydillon

Back-to-school tip for parents: while not explicitly forbidden, it is frowned upon to spray champagne on the hood of a departing school bus.