Tandem parachute instructor: Is this your first time?
Me: No I’ve been terrified loads of times
Tandem parachute instructor: I meant doing this
Me: Oh yes, first ever hug and I like it
You Might Also Like
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
When walking off an elevator, I like to turn around & say, “this is the part in our adventure where I must leave you now.”
[first date]
me: they know me here
date: *reading sign on wall* “No Puppetry”?
me (proudly): I’m the reason they have that
me: I’m sorry, it’s over. I really thought we could make this work but we ran out of time together
veggies in my fridge:
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
Concussions are like pineapples: what was the question.
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
ME: we’re leaving in 15 minutes
KID1: im ready
KID2: readyME: ok time to go
KID1: i don’t have any socks
KID2: i fell in the toilet
No coroner will need to do an autopsy to see what I ate, they’ll just need to shake out my bra.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
Every morning I wake up and every morning there is no breakfast in bed. We have got to do something about this level of poverty!
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
One cake enters. No cake leaves.
Doctor: And how many partners have you had?
Danny Ocean: It varies by movie.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
Current mood: Potato
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
You don’t need to write “imo”. Nobody is confusing your tweets with Nietzsche.
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
Me: It’ll be nice to have a dog around, we won’t have to worry about intruders
My dog: It’s a new person! Please come in and take whatever you want. I’ll be over here on my back waiting for a belly rub
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.