Tapping a clown on the shoulder and saying, “Tag, you’re IT,” is a great way to die.
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Him: We have made it completely idiot proof
Me: Stand aside and let a professional determine that
waking up to good morning texts from your partner is great and all, but have you ever woken up to a message from Amazon confirming that your package will be delivered today?
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
I’ve never been to hell, but I once forgot to buy batteries for my 6 year old son’s toys on Christmas morning.
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder
Soccer is fun until you think about the ball’s feelings.
To avoid the risk of dangerous paradoxes I use my time machine only to skip, rewind & pause my TV shows; also saving $10/mo on renting a DVR
“It’s a funeral”, they said. “Wear black”, they said. “Who’s the idiot dressed as Zorro?”, they said
Look, just because Jeff Bezos looks like Lex Luthor & acts like Lex Luthor, doesn’t…uh oh.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!
*2 hours later*
Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?
Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
These Valtrex commercials are confusing… Are herpes a pre-requisite for kayaking and rock climbing?
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
I like how having Piñata’s at a child’s birthday party teaches them to beat the shit out of something until they get what they want. Nice.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
Every liquor store should sell lemons, limes, and oranges!!!!!!!!!
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
The good thing about a seven hour meeting is you can get a full night’s sleep.
Cap’n Crunch and Count Chocula aren’t so tough. I have guys like you for breakfast.
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
My husband and I are at a point in our lives where we don’t care about the strange noise coming from downstairs if it means we have to get out of bed.