Tapping your wrist is the international sign for “I’m running late”.
Millennial: blank stare
You Might Also Like
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
🤣😂
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario &how you handled it.
Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.
The best part of my kid graduating was unsubscribing from the school’s text messages.
Pro Tip: make your honeymoon boring and uninteresting so that the rest of your marriage feels like an improvement.
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
Ocean’s 45:
The group gets bigger each heist
It’s too hard to keep secrets
Someone posts the next plan on Facebook
Everyone goes to jail
Meeting the love of your life on Twitter is a crapshoot, it may go really well or his mom may unplug the Wi-Fi.
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
Autocorrect changed ‘flash’ to ‘flask’.
Why yes, I’ll have one flask flood emergency.
Friend: I get my kids to eat their vegetables by making up cute names like ‘caulipower’ and ‘broccoli trees’.
Me: I get my sons to eat their vegetables by saying, “Eat your damn vegetables.”
[making pigs in a blanket]
6-year-old: We can’t call them that. We have a pig.
Me: What should we call them?
6: Nobody you know in a blanket.
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*