*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
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If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
The Bible is so unrealistic, Noah’s wife would have never allowed two spiders on that boat.
How the hell wizards don’t set fire to themselves, I’ll never understand; attempting to make potions and stuff, with those dangly sleeves.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
One of my biggest fear is being chased by Usain Bolt during zombie apocalypse.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
Me: *eating my 3rd bowl of spicy chili*
Her: OMG you are not sleeping with me tonight
M: *eats spicy chili for the rest of my natural life*
*sleepy*
*so sleepy*
*SO SO sleepy*
*brush my teeth*
WIDE AWAKE.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
my mom: don’t fill up on bread, that’s how they get you
me: that’s how they get YOU, coward. i will bankrupt this olive garden
Friends don’t tell friends 1980 was 40 years ago.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
Huh… I wonder if I should tell my friend that his back tattoo doesn’t say what he thinks it says.
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
Teacher: Who knows what Pennsylvania is famous for?
5: Pencils. Duh.
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
“My computer just crashed” is going to be a much more serious statement when self-driving cars are the norm
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.