*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right

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Me: *loudly* why is everyone here a goth

Wife: quiet down you’re interrupting the funeral

Me: *whispering* why is everyone here a goth


[meeting girlfriend’s dad]

Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips

Him: Dr, I have a PhD

Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips


Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago


Date: I’m pretty easygoing, you?

Me: *regularly gets stressed out doing captcha tests bc I don’t know if bushes count as trees* Definitely.


I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.


When I was in 6th grade, I asked a girl out with a note and she wrote back “Maybe :)” so idk man I might have plans tonight.


I bought myself two eggplants and so far neither has laid a single egg.


Sherlock: *deep breath* You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper management, no middle. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.

Starbucks Barista: I’m so sorry ma’am, he’s in training here’s your tall blonde roast


I think I’ll start posting my tweets on Facebook so my friends and family will all finally block me.


I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.