*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right
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[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
(Art Museum)
Me:*sees nature painting*
*pulls out sharpie*
*draws sun in the top left corner*
My 5th Grade Art Teacher: *thumbs up* nice
10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
In The Little Mermaid, the real reason Ariel wanted human legs was because Eric told her he doesn’t eat sushi.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
Currently working on a diary full of lies. I want my loved ones to read it after I die and be like “wait what”
Proofread twice, hang posters once
[Surprise party for girlfriend]
Me: *Leading her in blindfolded*
GF: Shouldn’t I be wearing that?
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
Dentist: Did you deliberately loosen this tooth?
Me: Why would I do that?
D: ok…[extracts tooth & hands me a lolly]
Me: *winks at camera*
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
*at a restaurant*
Don’t be awkward, don’t be awkward
Waitress: how’s the food?
Me: yes
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
I’ll be the first to admit when I’m wrong, I mean, I’ll be kicking and screaming the whole time, but I’ll do it.
It’s like I said when I fell into that tub of snapping turtles: now is not the time for pointing fingers
My OnlyFans is just me loading the dishwasher correctly.
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
sweetie, something about you tonight is driving me wild
IKEA violently attacking me for not having any friends
The mailman asked me to stop my dog from barking and not sure why he thinks I’d side with him, the guy that brings me bills and catalogues I hate, over my dog, the guy that is the most handsome boy in the entire world.
To err is human… To not know what err means is American.
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
Getting a speeding ticket in Alabama wasn’t what upset me. What upset me was how long he took to give it to me and he put me behind 15 minutes on my GPS arrival time so I had to speed the rest of the way anyway.