*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right

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The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over


A kid at the park said a giant hemorrhoid is heading toward Earth. I know he misspoke but in the closing days of 2016 one can’t be too sure.


Twitter is the only place where you’re thrilled when a complete stranger starts following you.


Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.


It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.


I just encountered a spider bigger than my desire to be the man of the house.


ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?



Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?


I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.