@cwhudson

*taps on a super old dude’s oxygen tank* you know that you can get this stuff for free right

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@LoveYoorFate

The block button is just the adult version of sticking your fingers in your ears and repeating “I can’t hear you” over and over

@FeralCrone

A kid at the park said a giant hemorrhoid is heading toward Earth. I know he misspoke but in the closing days of 2016 one can’t be too sure.

@genehunter1

Twitter is the only place where you’re thrilled when a complete stranger starts following you.

@sucittaM

Beer before liquor, never sicker. Toothpaste before orange juice, dead.

@Mardigroan

It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.

@Reverend_Scott

I just encountered a spider bigger than my desire to be the man of the house.

@dorsalstream

ME: Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?

DEATH: WE GET THERE WHEN WE GET THERE.

@slimmy_shady

Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?

@sixfootcandy

I’m so thankful for the guy who pressed the crosswalk button 10x after watching me push it.
I bet his will be the winning push that saves the day.