Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
You Might Also Like
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
Before & after 😅
them: i hate answering emails
me: yeah, it’s the worst
them: let’s just have a meeting
me: wait
I put the dog’s drugs in peanut butter so she’ll take them. She loves peanut butter cuz she thinks it tastes good AND it gets her high.
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
Shrek 5 should be a multiverse team-up with Gamora, the Grinch, the Hulk, the Jolly Green Giant, Kermit, an Orion dancer, Oscar, Mike Wazowski, Baby Yoda, Non-Baby Yoda, & that guy who won’t shut up about his one Irish grandparent.
Why is it called a bathroom scented candle and not a john wick?
One time getting ready to go out to eat my dad told me not to wear jeans with any holes in them and I immediately responded by asking how I was going to put my feet in them and he seriously had a tear build up in one eye.
Parents, talk to your kids about drugs. Teach them organic chemistry. Obtain a research grant. Put big pharma out of business together
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
YouTube videos are like: fix it yourself in a few easy steps! You just need a screwdriver, soldering iron, hydraulic torque wrench, stork beak pliers, and a scissor lift!
You wait until midnight for the next game of wordle? So basically you wait and wait and there’s all this hooplah for three minutes of fun? This reminds me of something.
My blood type is b hungry.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
Why do they call it “buckling a cranky baby into a car seat” and not “fasten the furious?”
(Is it still okay to do these given politics?)
Don’t push me, I’ve seen EVERY episode of Forensic Files.
When I get naked in the bathroom, the shower usually gets turned on.
My grandmother’s secret ingredient?
Cigarette ashes
Hey girl are you the supply chain? Because despite extensive explanations I do not understand what is wrong with you
Adult black cat: looks like a pool of shadow, sleek, elegant, mysterious, walks in beauty like the night
Black kitten: looks like a sockful of soot halfway through exploding and is really confused and mad about it
No more excuses…
….next year I’m getting that exorcism.
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
Schrödinger’s Dumpster
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that