Tarantino’s Star Trek is 100% going to feature a planet where white people have to say the N-word to survive
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WIFE: He’s too literal and unromantic
THERAPIST: Tell her something that comes straight from the heart
ME: [whispers in her ear] Arteries
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
[1st day as undercover cop]
*approaches drugdealer*
Me: “Yes hello I’d like to purchase one crack and two marijuanas please!”
*gets stabbed*
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
1 PM: I can’t wait to go to bed
1 AM: I should reorganize the garage
I have a thing for older men. Not cuz I have ‘daddy issues’, but because I also like to eat dinner at 4:30 and be asleep by 8pm.
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
i baked you a cake
starting an onlyfans but it’s just videos of me trying to use chopsticks
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
Forget the wolf. I’m hungry like my cat when she hears any kind of container being opened.
My uncle started shouting at me about my “misuse” of emoticons and had a heart attack 😉
Fun prank:
1. Steal your married friends phone
2. Change your name to ‘Brandi from the club’
3. Call repeatedly at 3AM and hang up
I don’t know if hand sanitizer actually works but it sure as hell lets you know where the broken skin is hiding
Me: Goodnight, see you in the morning
3: Goodnight, see you in a minute
[BOOPS nose]
COP: Sir, I’m gonna need you to touch your finger to the tip of YOUR nose.
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
My pantry includes 12 different open bags of potato chips and 7 open boxes of Fruity Pebbles and 200,000 Walmart plastic bags.
The name “Boeing” makes so much sense now considering it’s basically the sound of something hitting the ground and bouncing.
lol
What I said: I do.
What she heard: I do… want to awaken to the sweet sound of your voice saying “My feet are cold”, as you mash your size 7 icicles against me, til death do us part.
A lot of communication between a toddler and a mother is nonverbal. For example, today my 1-year-old walked up to me and handed me deodorant.