Tarantulas make great pets because when they die, rather than grieving you’ll feel an almost overwhelming sense of relief
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I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
Him (five years ago): Do you have a work out routine?
Me: *still laughing
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
i either just registered my car online or i’m licensed to import rare birds now
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
Gonna start telling my teenage daughters, “ok, boomer” when they try to act like my mother.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
New bird on my deck today. Not in my bird book. Will eat seed. Will not fly. Concerned may be hurt.
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
Reporter: How do you feel that your proposal was turned down by Congress?
Obama: Well, I’ve alw–
Biden: [grabs mic] TURNED DOWN FOR WHAT?
I love when young people try to insult me and say ‘It’s way past your bedtime old man’. Bro, it’s not an insult, it’s a reminder.
[Pastabot 2000 attempts to hand me another bowl of pasta] Jesus christ not now Pastabot
no bullshit scientists really nailed it when they named the big toe
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
3rd eye: youre on drugs
4th eye: youre a nerd
5th-7th eyes: ???
8th eye: you are now a spider
9th eye: spider on drugs
16th eye: nerd spider
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
Googled woodworking. Broke my coffee table down and built a birdhouse. Desk is now a birdhouse too. Pretty much everything’s a birdhouse now
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.