@IBroughtTheComb

Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”

Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”

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@deanna_ficco

Sex is the most fun you can have in life without gaining weight or having a hangover the next day.

@BrassBallsCJ

How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…

~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.

@SteveDutzy

*Makes joke on Twitter*

*5 Retweets*

*Makes same joke on Facebook*

*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*

@Worstwizard

“Yeah I’m still single”
• resigned
• whiny
• framed as a personal failure

“None of mankind’s champions have yet proven worthy”
• Powerful demigod vibes
• affirmation of high standards
• discourages cowards

@OhNoSheTwitnt

[taking communion at church]
I’m a recovering alcoholic do you have any actual blood?

@RealCarrotFacts

Carrots cant float. But if you tie fishy wire to one and hang it in the air and look at it from far away, it almost look like its floating

@Breadery

If you hit people hard enough with a tennis racket they turn into waffles.

@KrispyTacoBelle

Him: “What’s your body count?”

Me: “For what?”

Him: “People you’ve slept with…”

Me: “Ohhh! I thought you saw the basement…”

Him: “What?”

Me: “What?”