[at the vets]
ME: I think my chicken is refusing to lay eggs to spite me
VET: Your chicken is a cock
ME: Tell me about it
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[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
“I’ll be back” –Arnold Schwarzenegger as getting into a 2-person horse costume
[you cannot sleep while there are enemies nearby!]
Me: lol buddy…
Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
Someone: describe your sex life in two words.
Me: my what?
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
Diamonds aren’t a girl’s best friend.
Perfectly regulated office temperatures are a girl’s best friend.
me: pls don’t do that
kids: [do it anyway]
me: I told you not to do that
kids: are you new
him: almost every joke has been told before. gotta be creative with delivery
me: gotcha
[later]
me, in fancy dress: *rings his doorbell holding a pizza*
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?
They each got six months.
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
Apparently this was on a digital highway sign in Tennessee yesterday 😎
Optimism? Sure, it’s worth a try. I don’t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
She sells sea shells on the:
A) Shore
B) Shore
C) Shore
D) Shore
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I moved the laundry to the dryer yet.
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
I tripped going up the escalator and fell down the stairs for like 20 minutes.
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
How dude HOW?!