Target employee: Describe your lost item
Me: It’s a $400 rose gold Tory Burch wallet with 87 cents and 12 maxed out credit cards inside
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One time I ran into an old friend and she said “omg you haven’t met my baby” and i said “omg I had no idea” and the next day I went to her house with a baby gift and her baby was a goddamn cat.
Meow
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
Me: Any deathbed confessions?Him: Wtf I’m just napping
Me: Shhh, don’t fight it. Go into the light
Him: Get that flashlight out of my face
There are two types of people in this world: those who finish things
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
Cop: Open the trunk please
Me: *suddenly defensive*
I have a permit for thatCop: Okay you don’t need a permit but why is it full of Queso?
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
I say, “know what I mean?” A lot for someone who doesn’t even know what I mean.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
“It’s definitely better without a condom” I say, removing it from my soup
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
You ever pump your gas slowly on purpose so no one realizes you only had $3 on you
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Wife: Are you still tweeting about me being in labor?
Me: Now I’m live tweeting “The Walking Dead.”
Wife:
Me: Everything isn’t about you.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
Welcome to your forties, when you start saying things like “This store isn’t open yet? It’s almost 7am!”
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast
[caught hiding something in the garbage]
gf: are you eating hot wings again?
me: no
gf: oh really, then touch your eyes
me: god damnit
I love jerk chicken but my real favorites are a-hole beef and doesn’t return the shopping cart pork
her: there’s a huge spider in the kitchen
me: I’ll take care of it[2 minutes later]
her: is it done?
me: yah, house goes up for sale tomorrow
Me: I love you so much, you know that?
Toddler: *slaps me in the face*
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
well, Sam. It’s been a helluva day. A helluva day! Hit me, again.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
My late night activities includes getting drunk and slow dancing to the Bee Gees with my cat.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL