ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
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A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
If your trust issues began with a sugar cookies tin full of sewing supplies you’re my people.
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.
Sheepdog: Here are your 40 sheep.
Farmer: But I own only 36.
Sheepdog: I know. I rounded them up.
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
Had to get a new washer dryer (17 yrs! Thanks Maytag) and the guys installing it asked “you didn’t make this your wife’s Christmas present right?”
“No”
“Cause the guy at the last house did and that was a bad scene man”
Say goodbye to your girlfriends cause I just bought a book on magic tricks
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.
dad: Hand me that Phillips screwdriver
me: *looking*
dad: Isn’t that a Phillips beside you?
me: It says “Craftsman”
dad:
me: Are you crying?
“OMGJK” -atheists
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
You found poison in his stomach? But he HATED poison!
When I’m in a conference room all by myself I like to pretend I’m having a very important meeting with chairs about chair shit.
What if balloons take over and start twisting us into animal shapes?
*Takes your face in my hands*
*Looks deep into your eyes*
*Whispers “You make me want to spend the rest of my life avoiding you” *
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
Got excited because I found $20 in the laundry. Then I remembered my kids don’t have jobs and the money was probably mine.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
Well, at least my kids are finding new and exciting ways to make my two college degrees meaningless.
Why spend thousands on college when you can just walk into a dense fog and re-emerge years later with glowing eyes and an unfathomable growth in human intelligence?
My wife just said we should have another baby. I hope she didn’t mean together.
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Me: I stay up late and tweet for AUSTRALIA! Wooooo!
Australia: no need to, we’re good
Just told a teen about the music I listened to when I was her age & she said “that’s cool, I love the oldies,” so today I do my first murder
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers