[tarot card reading]

*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICE

Customer: …is that a regular deck of cards?

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me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)

me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)


*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live


Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
5-year-old: Yes.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.


The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.


Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”


“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-victim mindset

“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-sounds wealthy


Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.


I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.


Me: “…american cheese, toasted.”

Her: “What kind of cheese?”

Me: “American…”

Her: “Want it toasted?”

Me: “I’ll just make it myself.”