me at age 15: (stressed, worried about prom every day)
me now: (carefree, think about prom maybe twice a week tops)
[tarot card reading]
You will be a King
And find a beautiful queen
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICE
Customer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
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*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
Me: You know better than to use that bad word.
Me: Then why did you?
5: My brain said not to, but my mouth does whatever it wants.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Judge: “How do you plead?”
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: “Hot milky”
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.
Was everyone before this just…not washing their hands?
I just swallowed a Norton Anti-virus CD. I’m good now.
Me: “…american cheese, toasted.”
Her: “What kind of cheese?”
Her: “Want it toasted?”
Me: “I’ll just make it myself.”