[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
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I just hope Matrix Resurrections ends with Neo teaching Agent Smith the true meaning of Christmas.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
Arguing over who really won the spelling bee but it’s their word against mine
You can learn a lot about your kids by helping them with their homework for example, mine are idiots.
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
look at this pretty bar i went to last night! also look at the first photo i took, featuring my panic as i realized the flash was on
me: so your first name is “shaw-un” then why is your last name “be-een”?
sean bean: you want my autograph or not?
me: I do, shawn bawn.
….. and then there are people that call their chihuahuas “Cujo”
i may or may not be making of small casserole with a half pound of cheese, minimum. maybe a whole pound. maybe more. maybe it will be more cheese than casserole. who knows? not me. stop telling me what to do
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
I stole one of those Krispy Kreme “HOT NOW” signs and hung it over our bed because good communication is important in a marriage.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
Amazon is approved for drone delivery…
Which means we now have skeet shooting with prizes.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
I like that Linkin Park song where the guy suddenly screams.
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
LIFE HACK: If a person is drowning, you can save their life by putting them in a bag of rice
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
Me: so this is a weird photo shoot lmao
The cop who’s processing me: would you just shut up already
They’re the worst 😩
If your wife walks in and turns the light on while you’re staring at the ceiling, make sure you yell “My eyes!” BEFORE she starts changing
Red Cross: A blood donation is the best gift you can give to someone.
[Christmas morning]
Kids: [all screaming while opening their presents]