Tastes victory
Victory: Eww! Stop licking me!!
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If you didn’t want to marry me then why’d you show up with ice cream?
When you have the opportunity to become a bigger person, take it because cake is delicious.
Jimmy Fallon:
Squirrel guest: *tail twitching like crazy*
Jimmy Fallon: HAHAHA that’s so great
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
Anyone who ever worked at Twitter…
Is now either an ex-employee or an X employee.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Girl: I dumped my last boyfriend cause he always gave short answers. I never knew what he was thinking. That’s so annoying, right?
Me: Word
Just saw an amazing deal for Valentine’s Day “You’re My One and Only” cards.. 2 for $5
Breaking news:
Starting to consider a run for political office. Not because I want to do anything, but I’m curious what sort of shit they dig up on me. Would be nice for someone to piece together my 20s.
The number of kids you have determines how much time you need to get everyone ready to leave the house. One kid, 30 mins, 2 kids, about an hour. 3 kids, the Tuesday before
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
If the grocery store didn’t want me to climb shelves then they wouldn’t put things so up so high.
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
i’ve dated so many tools i could open a home depot
“Does anybody in the car have a heart condition?” I ask as I slide my Smash Mouth CD into the radio.
Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
in movies the saddest thing a single woman can do is eat a microwave dinner, but a true rock bottom is eating a hot dog with normal bread as a bun…studios are too scared of that reality
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
Walking dead spoiler alert. There are zombies and they like to try & eat people but the people are like “nuh uh zombie, we don’t want that”
Sunday: I think the kids handled daylight savings pretty good
Tuesday: no
SON: How are monster trucks made?
ME: Son, when a monster and a truck love each oth-
GF: [glares]
ME: He’s old enough for the facts, Jane
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.