@TigNotaro

tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?

me: just draw it

[later watching TV]

commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!

me: motherf

tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?

me: just draw it

[later watching TV]

commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!

me: motherf

- @TigNotaro

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I tried giving a gentle reminder to my kids about cleaning their rooms, but a megaphone works much better.

@zacharyflynn

How to get a girl to like you:

1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
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@Mirimade

Me: are you ready?

Husband: yes

Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-

Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick

@McGrumpenstein

*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados

@AbbieEvansXO

[going to the moon]

Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!

Me: oh no

Co-astronaut: what

Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket

@Smiilze

Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.

@SteveSuckington

“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”

Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter

“You gotta be kidding me”

@YeahDrewisOn

My girlfriend is:

– super sweet
– light as a feather
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@pixelatedboat

Office morale has increased noticeably since we put a tarp over Dave’s body