Tis the season to kidnap a tree, hold it hostage, keep it from its family during the holidays, then leave it for dead.
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
You Might Also Like
There are only 2 Canadian things I don’t like:
1) Celine Dion
2) Canadian geese
Guess which one is chasing me everytime I go outside.
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
Him: we should name this time period
Me: the good depression
Him: ok i like depression but the descriptor has to be something more than just “good”
Me [after consulting my good friend tony the tiger]: hear me out
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
16: Can you hand me one of those food prong things?
Me: A fork??
16: Yes. Do not tweet this.
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
If I was a waitress, I would plant fake engagement rings in every girls champagne glass, just to watch the boyfriends panic.