Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
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Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap 8 people at once.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
ME AT GYM: mind if I work in?
GUY STANDING AT URINAL: what
ME: i wish girls would flock to me
ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A
You had a panic attack on the elevator, so no, you can’t go with me to buy drugs
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
Chinese Food: $16.72
Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94
Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend