[Tattoo Parlor]

Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.

Calf: *nervous mooing*

You Might Also Like


Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.


Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?

3yr old: No, the crow did it

Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold

3yr old: *points out window

Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass

3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.


Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap 8 people at once.


ME: i wish girls would flock to me


ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A


You had a panic attack on the elevator, so no, you can’t go with me to buy drugs


Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.


Chinese Food: $16.72

Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94

Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless


Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend