[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
You Might Also Like
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
News said how hard it’d be to shoplift a turkey.
Amateurs. It’s all about commitment.
*stuffs turkey under shirt*
*whines that back hurts*
Staying in shape is the worst idea, all you’ve done is advertise that you’re capable of helping people move
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Son, always wait 30 minutes after eating before swimming
“But dad we’re goldfish”
Oh yeah, I forgot
“Forgot what?”
Me: Alexa, tell me a fact to tell my date to break an awkward silence.
Alexa: When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.
Me: When hippos-
Date: Yeah, I heard…
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
Apparently “make it to retirement” is not an appropriate answer for what your work goals are
*Goes to Vegas casino
*Steps out of limo
Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?
Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
A friend was talking about her cat bringing her another dead mouse and my ADHD brain did a side quest imagining my snake calling a cat for Door Dash.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
Well hello, “Party-Size” bag of Doritos. Welcome to my party! There will be no other guests.
My favourite child is the one who just told me I’m so funny. Don’t know her name yet but she lives down the street.
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
If you weren’t supposed to eat 15 Oreos in one sitting, they wouldn’t package them in rows of 15.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
I like to say something disgusting which makes someone else say something more disgusting then I call them a pervert.
age 12: fell off of bike at high velocity onto gravel road. biked 5 miles home
age 42: used wrong pillow. back was nonfunctional for 2 days.
When I walk through automatic doors sometimes I think I’m controlling them with my mind, that’s normal right?
Lassie once told me a boy fell down a well, but since no one else can speak dog I ignored it because I was building a furniture fort.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
“Enter passcode to use Touch ID” – then what is the point of you Touch ID that lives on my iPad? WHY ARE YOU SO SCARED?
I accidentally caught my nuts in a barbed wire fence and now I’m the frontman of a Maroon 5 cover band.
I didn’t think it was possible to travel 10 years back in time until I got into an argument with my wife.
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?