@SimplySnaccbar

[Tattoo Parlor]

Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.

Calf: *nervous mooing*

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@robdelaney

Brad Pitt might be “better looking” than me, but I am considerably fatter.

@AshlingDennehy

Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?

3yr old: No, the crow did it

Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold

3yr old: *points out window

Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass

3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.

@MeetYourDaddy

Sometimes I wish I was an octopus, so I could slap 8 people at once.

@ClichedOut

ME: i wish girls would flock to me

GENIE: ok

ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A

@jake_lach

You had a panic attack on the elevator, so no, you can’t go with me to buy drugs

@Rollinintheseat

Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.

@BrianHDot

Chinese Food: $16.72

Gas to Get to Restaurant: $1.94

Getting Home and Realizing They Forgot One of Your Food Containers: Riceless

@Swain_Train47

Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend