[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
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Been considering dipping my toe back in the dating pool lately so naturally I’m binge-watching serial killer stuff to bring me back to my senses.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
Calm down white moms on dish detergent commercials, no wife is EVER that excited about dishes. Ever.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
My boss said when I’m at work, I should lay off the Doritos. I said “you’re the boss if you wanna fire Bob Dorito and his brother you do it”
car salesman: and I’m 95% sure no one has died in the trunk hahaha
me: ok phew haha
*muffled screaming*
car salesman: 100%
Did a trash talking tree write this?
If you know, you know
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
FBI BOSS: We’ve finally found you a new partner. So what do you say when you meet him?
ME: Nice to meet you.
BOSS: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Let’s turn this FBI onto an FB Us.
Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
My mechanic said there were mice in my engine, and boy, if I thought I didn’t understand how cars worked before…
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
85% of Canadian moms need you to fix their computer this afternoon
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
I don’t understand why everyone is so passionate about sports; it’s all just bullsh – HEY! YOU! NO! DARTH VADER DOES NOT HAVE A GREEN SABER!
{If autocorrect was a person}
ME: I think that’s right.
AUTOCORRECT: It’s not.
ME: Then what is it?
AUTOCORRECT: I don’t know, dude. Aubergine?
ME: You think I meant aubergine?
AUTOCORRECT: Look, I know literally all of the words, and that was none of them. Maybe this is on you.
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
Putting 7 to bed and she started asking me questions about having babies. I answered as well as I could for her level and was feeling quite pleased with myself. I told her she could ask me anything so naturally her next question was how do shipwrecks happen.
WIFE *walking in* omg I just saw the cutest dog driving home from work
ME: wow *scratches head* I wonder what sort of job he does
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
I’m like the mafia to my son.
He only contacts me when he wants money or protection.
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
Me, a cowboy: *gallops heroically into town*
Sheriff: can i help you son?
Me: *sweating profusely* has – has anybody seen my horse?