[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
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Joseph: I swear I just heard the wind call your name
Mary: um, that was probably…god
Joseph: God sounded a lot like our neighbor Jeff
Sorry I typed “Lucky escape!” instead of “I’m so sorry your wedding has been cancelled.”
[bankruptcy court]
JUDGE: Didn’t you do any financial planning?
ME: *lips pressed on mic* Yes, your Honor, I was planning on having finances
Wife: why are there 8 knives on the ground?
Me: *points to the dead spider* it was self defence and that’s exactly what you’ll tell the cops when they get here
UK, 2019 – “FREE BROADBAND FOR ALL”
UK, 2020 –
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
“You have too much stuff”
– My parents, who constantly leave stuff at my house
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder
ME: [pointing at grave] What about that one?
GRAVE-DIGGER: Yep, love it
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
just got vinegar in my eye so I totally get it, girls who get vinegar in their eye
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
Dating in your thirties is exhausting because you have to make small talk AND find the inner strength to stay up past 9
“How much for this toaster?”
“An arm & a leg.”
“How about a leg & 2 fingers?”
“A leg & 3 fingers.”
“Deal!”
– Cannibal Pawn Stars
WOMAN: who’s a little silly willy?
SON: mother, please. i am a grown man. it’s silly william now.
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
I love Kit Kats the most whenever there aren’t three other people around.
My lyft driver had a nice Jeep Cherokee. I said “What year is this?” He had no idea I was talking about the car. Ride was weird after that.
2016: Everyone you love in entertainment will die!
2017: Everyone you love in entertainment is a sexual degenerate.
2018: The dog from Air Bud is the Zodiac Killer.
*Leans head up to wife as I’m dying*
Me: My only regret is…
*Coughs loudly*
Me: …not having something cooler to say as I die.
*Dies*
Always remember, no matter how bad things get, there’s an animal in the world that would love to be sitting curled up in your lap. Maybe it’s a dog. Maybe it’s a cat. Maybe it’s that weird person from Tinder, but nevertheless…