@UncleDuke1969

[tattoo parlor]

“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”

“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“

“Wisks!”

“Right. That’s why I-”

“I’m weally disappointed.”

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@Michael1979

WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING

4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill

@samfromks

Nice try Jehovah’s Witnesses but dressing up like cops and telling me you have a warrant is not going to get me to come to my door.

@JohnLyonTweets

“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”

@ch000ch

9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi

@CaniacMONK

“Is that a banana in your pocket or you just happy to see me?”

*Pulls out smart car

@sonictyrant

Police Chief: this whole place is a cesspool of drugs, booze and sex . I wanna know why damn it

Me: *remembering that i’d built this city on Rock&Roll* it’s a mystery alright

@bourgeoisalien

I want a bouncy house at my funeral. And I want to be in it, too. When all my friends jump, my lifeless body will bounce with them. What fun

@rickolantern

The mice in my apartment left me a note that said as long as I keep buying store brand graham crackers, there’s no need for traps.