@UncleDuke1969

[tattoo parlor]

“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”

“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“

“Wisks!”

“Right. That’s why I-”

“I’m weally disappointed.”

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@artsofdrawing

*During math test*
My answer: 28.
Answer choices: 17, 19, 26, 45.
Me: “well 26 is closer to 28, so that must be the answer.”

@MatCro

[bar]

CUSTOMER: Barman

BARMAN: Sir?

C: This beer tastes like piss

[further down the bar]

BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having

@bobvulfov

DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property

@QwertyJones3

Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by

@joeljeffrey

Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.

Siri: Lol

@novicefather

Nomenclature is important when courting a lady. For example, “feminine scent” and “feminine odor” are perceived differently. You’re welcome.

@theshantilly

“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”

“Um, I have a boyfriend.”

@rebrafsim

Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha

Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended

Me: oh, what do you drive?

Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?