*During math test*
My answer: 28.
Answer choices: 17, 19, 26, 45.
Me: “well 26 is closer to 28, so that must be the answer.”
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C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
Fun prank: Super glue a baby to the floor and see how many people try to pick it up as they walk by
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
How to Talk to Women Who Are Inside an MRI Tube
Nomenclature is important when courting a lady. For example, “feminine scent” and “feminine odor” are perceived differently. You’re welcome.
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
Me: this is almost as scary as the dmv haha
Dentist: haha yeah, my license is suspended
Me: oh, what do you drive?
Dentist: deep breath and count back from 3. drive?