[tattoo parlor]
“WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?”
“You said you wanted something that said that life is all about taking-“
“Wisks!”
“Right. That’s why I-”
“I’m weally disappointed.”
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[just meeting a new group of people]
My brain: say something cool and different
Me: HOW YA’LL GOT??
Brain: nice
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
It’s not a good date unless it ends with you slowly walking off into the ocean like Godzilla.
wife: everyone at buffalo wild wings is staring at you
me: i’m sorry if i like using a fork and knife
wife: on your coke though?
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
*running from the police and turning into an alley*
HER: Kiss me
HIM: What?
HER: Do you trust me? Then kiss me
*they kiss passionately as the police round the corner*
POLICE: There they are! They stopped to kiss!
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
Showerhead Self-Conscious About Single Jet That Sprays Sideways #OurAnnualYear2019
I don’t want a sensible dinner I want an imbecilic dinner
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Next time you’re in a public bathroom and someone knocks, assert dominance by saying come in
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
Me: *licks the guy next to me*
Guy: *jumps up*
What the hell lady?!
Me: Whoa, whoa…I’m not the one walking around smelling like ham!
i don’t believe this you guys, they’re lying on the news. right to my face
I didn’t survive various alcohol poisoning events in the 90’s just to get taken out by a virus
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
“I see you’ve got one drop of pee left in you. It would be a shame if something were to… show everyone.”
– Khaki pants
Welcome to your 40s, being amazing in bed now is just not waking up your partner with your snoring.
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
That stupid little run we do when someone holds the door open for us
Stallone: I’m making a movie about composers. I’m playing Beethoven.
Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.
Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
Gorilla vs. cold water 😂
I’m not sure how many problems I have because math is one of them.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.