tattoos are a great convo starter. So as an introvert I kinda regret getting them
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Me too door. Me too.
My husband is blaming the cat for eating all the cookies and putting the empty package back in the cabinet. Ffs🙀
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
My wife tried calling the cable company and they put her on hold for 58 seconds…
58 seconds…
58 whole seconds…
Then she hung up, because she said “it felt like forever.”
…where was that attitude on our wedding night???
Gandalf in the streets, Frodo Baggins in the sheets
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
Me: you know, it’s only psychosis if it’s from the psychosuisse region of France. otherwise, it’s just sparkling delusions
Nurse: ma’am, it’s time for your medication
You’re adorable, but not as adorable as my library app thinking I’ll be able to read Stephen King’s ‘The Stand’ in two weeks.
centipede: *trips*
*but for like, an hour*
Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me: Idk how dark is it?
I used to hate Mondays before I became a parent
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
don’t let me drive if ur gonna scream every time we almost die 🙄
[After losing a rap battle]
“How did he get a hold of my credit score?”
Watching my husband try to get off the phone with “talkers”is like watching a fly trapped in our house, desperately trying to escape but repeatedly bumping into a closed window.
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge
Your Joke Is Factually Incorrect – A Guide to Dying Alone.
Am I the most attractive woman out there ? Of course not. But do I have a good personality ? Well, no. But do I wake up every day and try to be the best person that I can be ? Also no.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
Last night at dusk we were playing outside and my 4yo was pretending to direct traffic as cars went by. A woman rolled down her window and very kindly said “thanks for your help!” and my 4yo, completely seriously goes “you’re welcome. You need to turn on your headlights.”
Me: Don’t fall in love with me doll face. I’m no good for you; I’m bad news.
Her: No problem. Here’s your change. Pull up to the next window.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
The longest 36 hours of my day is from the moment I tell my kids good night to the moment they are actually asleep.
teach a man to fish and he’ll turn around and try to teach you to fish like he invented it and you’re an idiot
Netflix: Do you want to watch this movie now?
Me: I have a social event that I’m already late for
Netflix: Oh ok
Me: No I mean put it on