Tattoos tell a story, like tribal tattoos tell a story of a guy that wears sunglasses indoors.
You Might Also Like
the neighborhood teens have left so many burning bags of garbage on my lawn that everyone thinks that this is the place you burn garbage now
Of course I dance like nobody’s looking.
But I also drink like I don’t have to work in the morning.
[dinner party]
*host clinks glass* “Everyone we’re having a baby”!
*whispers to other guest* “Oh come on! I told them I was a vegetarian.”
*knocks on bathroom stall wall*
Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
“Huh? What?”
It’s been 3 days since my last-
[sound of diarrhea]
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
Just realized I get most of my upper body strength from shredding cheese.
my 3yo found a whistle and is refusing to give it to me so do I just throw the whole kid out or nah?
Wife: Can you turn on the crock pot?
Me: [starts dancing seductively in front of crock pot]
Wife: why for everything
If you’re on the fence about getting your kid a cellphone, my MIL stopped calling me and calls my kid instead
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap
Me: That’s fine, take a nap
3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning
Me: Great!
3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!
Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!
[Driving]
HUBS: You just blew a stop sign!
ME: Jealous?
cop: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
me: *puts hands up and my shirt rises exposing my entire stomach*
cop: SIR PUT YOUR HANDS BACK DOWN
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
first wiseman: i brought you gold
second wiseman: i brought you frankincense
third wiseman: i brought you myrrh
fourth wiseman: i made you these jorts myself
mary: [to the guy writing the bible] don’t write that last one down
Me: It isn’t Max on the original Mad Max movie poster. It’s his friend Goose
Priest: Would anyone else like to say a few words? Perhaps about the deceased this time?
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
Just a friendly reminder!
*opens door*
Stop screaming!
*opens door*
What broke?!
*opens door*
Just wait until I get out there!!
~parenting from the bathroom
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
Whenever another guy is checking out my wife, I like to stare back at him until he notices me, and then mouth the words “help me”
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
Every time I see a dude in a trench coat i assume he’s going to flash me. When it doesn’t happen, I assume he’s just a spy
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
ME: haha when your mask is down it looks like a chinstrap beard
HER: what mask
ME: oh
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
Sure, Michelle Obama said those words first but Melania Trump had the imagination to say them like an operative in a cold war spy thriller.