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@xLiserx

Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*

@QwertyJones3

FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town

ME: No problem

FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?

ME: No they’re all wood

@KatieBurnett

The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror

@dumbbeezie

Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax

@CakeThrottle

[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”

It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel

@jtswhipped

To the woman that told her husband to “bite my ballsack” at the store today,I golf clapped because you won life.

@longwall26

“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee

@MommaUnfiltered

It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.

They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.

@realHamOnWry

Not having kids has turned out to be way cheaper than noise canceling headphones.