You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it
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Me:She’s better than me.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!
-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets
I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.
It’s weird how after they couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together the King’s men were like “Let’s give the horses a shot at it”
Are you surprised at life in general or is that just the way you plucked your eyebrows?
Me: You sound like a broken record.
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
Her: I like old fashioned men
Me [trying to impress]: I’m sexist
Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.