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You don’t realize how old a movie is until you see the computer in it


Me:She’s better than me.
BF:She’s not.
M:Look at those, they’re incredible!

-Boyfriend reading other women’s tweets


I once got a ride home from the pizza guy by ordering 1 pizza to be delivered to the bar and 1 to my house. Pretty sure i deserve an award.


It’s weird how after they couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together the King’s men were like “Let’s give the horses a shot at it”


Are you surprised at life in general or is that just the way you plucked your eyebrows?


Me: You sound like a broken record.


Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.

12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.


DATE: So what do you do?

ME: I race cars.

HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?

ME: No, the cars are much faster.


“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel


[First Date]

Her: I like old fashioned men

Me [trying to impress]: I’m sexist


Remember, your toilet is just afraid of you as you are of it.