*in court for murder*
I’m appreciate your feedback on not killing people. I’m listening, learning and growing.
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If you watch 2016 backwards, it’s a heartwarming story of how celebrities can come back to life just by trending on the Internet.
Her: I love a bad guy
Me: I’ve got some prison tatts.
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up my shirt and points to my belly] This one is of Alcatraz.
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: The warrant probably
Officer: You have a broken… what
Me: What
I’ve watched three episodes of “I Shouldn’t Be Alive” tonight, adding “outdoor enthusiast and survival expert” to my online dating profile.
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
I packed workout clothes for a vacation and my suitcase guffawed, unzipped itself and shot the clothes back out like a t-shirt cannon
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
Purchased an hourglass for my desk at work to flip when people stop by to make them uncomfortable.
This is painfully accurate 😅
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
Judging by the tweets, you guys all lead really interesting lies
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
the coolest name by far is wolfgang. just a gang of wolves. not even a pack. these wolves do crimes
You know…for fall…
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
Why do people wax their surfboards? A hairy surfboard is a natural and beautiful thing.
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
My retirement plan is to have an abdomen that can stop a cannonball
Growing out my freckles.
Petition to allow customer service employees to fight at least one customer per day.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
I keep hearing about all these businesses having a deep clean. What even is a deep clean? Have I just been shallow cleaning all these years, he asks as he wafts a duster in the general direction of some dust.
[inventing wind]
God: hand me some of the air from yesterday
Angel: what are you going to do?
God: I’m gonna make it angry
Got kicked off the cruise ship after three day of constantly saying “poop deck” & snickering.
#KarenAndTheCat 😉
my kid climbed into the tub fully naked and still I found leaves in there after
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
This spa was amazing!
Umm Miss, you just walked through our car wash.
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.