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Me:*Chewing* These pot brownies are disgusting.
Him: That’s a dish sponge.
Me: Oh no! That means –
*Sees all the tea cups eating my Doritos*


FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town

ME: No problem

FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?

ME: No they’re all wood


The worst thing about kissing the person who loves you the most is when you bang your teeth off the mirror


Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax


[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”

It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel


To the woman that told her husband to “bite my ballsack” at the store today,I golf clapped because you won life.


“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee


It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.

They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.


Not having kids has turned out to be way cheaper than noise canceling headphones.