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@wickedimproper

I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.

@AbbyHasIssues

Sorry, package of water bottles. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.

@Parkerlawyer

I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.

Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:

HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK

@Jeffwni

[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary

@lottie_fly_x

I got my kid these awesome new bath toys so obviously she spent the whole time playing with a shampoo bottle

@CanadianBeave13

LADIES!

LIFE HACK: How To Get Rid Of Bags Under Your Eyes

1. Get a raw potato, wash it & peel it. Cut it into slices.

2. Place in a frying pan with butter, salt/pepper, onions & bacon.

3. Go online, order concealer while eating your fried potatoes. Win-Win.

@KonaSlater

LITTLE BO PEEP: I’ve lost my sheep! I can’t remember where to find them!

DOCTOR: Sounds like Lambnesia

@blainecapatch

just took the “what’s your social security number?” quiz on facebook

@Douchekevin

I got a call at work telling me my daughter missed period number 3.
When I woke up in the ambulance it turns out it was the school calling.

@ficklenuts

I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.