Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
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My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
Wife: please don’t
I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head
Me: somethings are worth fighting for
I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
I showered and left the house. The least you could do is fall madly in love with me
There’s no suspense in Young Sheldon. You know he’s not going to die
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
Her: How do you like your bacon?
Me: In bulk
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
WIFE: what’s the name of that girl you work with?
ME: which girl?
WIFE: the pretty one
ME: I feel like this is a trap
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.
“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”
Do you have any ‘baes’?
“Please leave”
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
WIFE: Did you sleep with my sister?
INSOMNIAC: No
My daughter: Can we stop for ice cream, and then not get any for John?
Me: Stop being awful to your brother. Someday you might need a kidney.
Her: Mom, you know how much water I drink. I will never need that.
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
[first day as mortician]
My boss: Find out if they want cremation or burial.
Me: Howdy folks, smoking or non-smoking?
I sent my boyfriend a picture of my taco. Yeah, he was disappointed that wasn’t a euphemism as well.
confuse your coworkers today by telling them you’re going to the restroom to do a “number 3”
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
[plot twist] ur buried vertically