Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
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I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
Current mood: Potato
Nothing says entitlement like a goose family crossing the road
Apparently “cool story, bro” is not an acceptable substitute for “congratulations” when your friend calls and tells you she’s pregnant.
Inventor: …And so these closed captions will help a lot of people.
Investor: I can see what you’re saying.
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
My toddler just tried to change the channel with a chicken finger and since I had the remote in my hand I totally let him think it worked.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.
Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?
Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!
Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…
Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
He wanted to come over but I only have one dozen donuts
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
two people had sex in the 80s and now I gotta pay bills, hydrate, and hate myself???
“I’d like one personal pizza please”
Pizza: Your life’s a mess. You should lose 10 pounds. Call your mother.
“Whoa maybe not that personal”
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
I am not emotionally unavailable I’m trying to get my new scissors out of the package.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
New sheets new sheets watcha gonna do whatcha gonna do when I sleep in you
FUN PRANK: when a stranger hands you their phone to take a picture of their family, take a selfie instead and also steal their phone
My girlfriend told me that it was either her or my Meatloaf discography. I told her I would do anything for love, but I can’t do that.
People on twitter be like “yeah I’m married, but it’s not that serious”.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
*police sirens*
*Dad bursts into my room wearing a Princess Leia costume*
“HIDE THIS NO TIME TO EXPLAIN”
*throws bag of cinnamon buns at me*
When a southern mom tells you that you look like a little doll baby you might hope she means Barbie but she definitely means Cabbage Patch