Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
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We’re having company over today, so naturally my husband is helping me prepare by looking for the soil testing kit that he bought over a year ago.
Just look at all these clinical brochures I got at the Doctor. Alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex…
Sounds like a fun night!
[after working out] i was promised endorphins this is bullshit
I think the elementary school music teacher was overly optimistic when she said we may recognize this next song.
Early this morning a bird was chirping loudly at the same time that my husband was snoring and it was really sort of beautiful how they were pissing me off in harmony.
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
I love horror movies until it’s time to do laundry in the basement and I have to run up the stairs before a scary force pulls me back down.
Did you know a tornado with no debris is called a naked twister?
Related: This evening is not going how I imagined.
Want to make a nerd’s head explode? Go to any site that posted the new Star Wars trailer & write “Where’s Captain Kirk?” in the comments.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
as a british man you have to pick an obsessive hobby before age 31 or WW2 history is selected for you by default
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
Yells to my family from the kitchen, “That was the mustard squeeze bottle!”
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
“They’re probably more afraid of you than you are of them,” I say, as a snarling pack of wolves attacks my friend Jeff
Q: My daughter will not eat fish, what can I replace it with?
A: A cat. Cats love fish.
The 3yo insisted on helping me put all the laundry away. It’s only taken us 6 hours & 10 minutes & apparently pants go in the fridge now.
Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
I know repetitive noises irritate people so I’m surprised there weren’t more rage-induced murders back when typewriters were being used
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
My daughter once asked me if dinosaurs were around when I was little. She’s still grounded.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature