Taurus: You have a big life choice to make so watch endless YouTube videos instead of thinking about it.
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me: so this is twitter, and these are all the people who follow me
dad: and they like you?
me: haha oh goodness no
Why do they ask your job on gameshows? It’s the least interesting thing about you. Ask people their favourite dinosaur.
I totally just realized that Dora the Explorer and Vlad the Impaler have the same middle name
McD’s drive thru: Welcome back.
Me: Welcome back? That’s pretty presumptuous.
MDT: …
M: …
MDT: The usual?
Me: Yeah. Thanks Brenda.
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
Saying veganism is too expensive is kind of dumb because like, rabbits do it and they don’t even have jobs
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
I accidentally typed ‘thee’ and now I’m listening to lute music and my neighbour Jeff just succumbed to the Plague.
Establish dominance over your grandma by giving her a crisp $5 bill on her birthday.
My kids think they’re way cooler than me like WHATEVER nerds by your age I’d already had my license, sex, and a visit by the FBI.
I’m at my most storybook heroine when I water the flowers at work.
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
Two roads diverged in a wood, and I…
I was looking down at my phone and walked directly into a tree,
And that has made all the difference.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
Doctor: your husband is being treated by a team of ten strainers
Woman: you mean he’s
Doctor: yes, in ten sieve care
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Who called it America and not the fast food and the furious?
Did I do this right
me: you know what’s not cool?
13: *yelling from another room* YOU!
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
One of my stuffed animals just told me I should get back on my meds, I guess someone doesn’t want to be part of tea party club anymore.
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
If two creepy eels slither up to you and promise to solve all your problems and make your dreams come true, be skeptical. That’s all I’m saying.