*saves the date*
Date: I have a boyfriend. Try the fig.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
You Might Also Like
her: I love guys who know what they want
me: I want $100,000
her: but stay humble
me: I’ll never have $100,000
me: yuck dude what’s that smell
kurt cobain: [strums guitar] it’s teen spirit
me: [silences guitar] can the next one be smells like clean adult
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
* flirting with disaster
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
her: so, do you swing?
me [trying to impress]: i prefer the seesaw
her husband: that’s not what she meant
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them