@TheBoydP: Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@Danny_McH2O: I like that the doctor always asks if I'm a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit. No shit? Thanks. Here's all my money.
@Playing_Dad: [God, wasted, creating humans] Angel: How do they cool themselves off? God: *takes a drink* Salt water comes out of them. Angel: How...Ok.
@DeanOkay: I learned mathematical fractions from a drug dealer. He said if I don't pay $4,000 in 7 days, I'll lose 3 fingers.
@liv_thatsme: (overheard a bride getting her hair done at the salon tell the stylist): “I didn’t want any ugly or fat bridesmaids.” Me (of course, unable to keep my mouth shut): “Good call. It’s not polite to compete with the bride.”