Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
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Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
Me: Just a woman looking for a connection in this thermal nuclear apocalypse.
Guy: Hey-
Me: Not you.
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
The world’s worst witness
Me: Then he tore off on some kind of donkey with round legs.
Police Officer: Do you think it might have been a motorcycle?
Me: You know, that’s probably what it was.
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
It’s not just that they lie, it’s that they lie the way an 8 year old lies.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
My 6yo is chanting all the words that rhyme with sucker and this is going to end badly in about 3 seconds
you’re fasting for lent, I’m furiousing for lent; we are not the same
INTERVIEWER: I’m sorry, I don’t think you’re really suited for the role of librarian
BRIAN BLESSED: WHY NOT?
My house is like an Indiana Jones movie.
Partly because I walk around with a bullwhip, but mostly because of all the cobwebs.
Boss: Is that beer? You’re not supposed to drink at work!
Me: You’re not supposed to cheat on your wife.
Boss: You’re doing a great job.
Drinking alcohol before pregnancy can cause pregnancy.
Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.
I once banged the Michelin Man…it was tiresome
so im jus chilig on a ledge premtendig to be gargoyle when these firemen show up tellig me dont jump but they got a big trampoline so idk
Apparently, this is how the world ends.
My kids are playing cowboys and Indians. One is pretending to ride a horse and shoot stuff, the other is providing tech support.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
If your problem can be solved by:
Naps
Cake
Drugs
Alcohol
or MurderThen you don’t really have a problem.
FRIEND: I hate when people refer to their pets as children.
ME: You do that all the time with your dog.
FRIEND: I don’t have a dog.
ME: …
FRIEND: Are you referring to my toddler?
ME: …Probably.
good for her
Just ate at a Japanese restaurant and the entire staff was Hispanic. I don’t know what is real anymore!
Donald Trump only wears a toupee to hide Lord Voldemort.
i bet it really sucks to throw up if you’re a giraffe
If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
[tv interview]
I’m with Amy. Her house was damaged by the floods, how are you?
[cut to Amy crying]
MORE LIQUID IS THE LAST THING WE NEED AMY