Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.

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*saves the date*

Date: I have a boyfriend. Try the fig.


her: I love guys who know what they want

me: I want $100,000

her: but stay humble

me: I’ll never have $100,000


me: yuck dude what’s that smell

kurt cobain: [strums guitar] it’s teen spirit

me: [silences guitar] can the next one be smells like clean adult


I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.


My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…


[first date]

her: so, do you swing?

me [trying to impress]: i prefer the seesaw

her husband: that’s not what she meant


Of course morning sex is better.

You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.


ME: I cant make it in today
BOSS: again? why
M: my car died
B: that’s the same excuse you used yesterday
M: yeah but today’s the funeral


Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them