Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
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Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
He said I was sent from above, but I wasn’t sure if he meant angelic, or shit out of a bird.
[brings Kevin Bacon to a knife fight]
[Kevin Bacon gets foot stuck in a drain]
[Kevin Bacon’s about to drown]
[Everybody cuts foot loose]
“No matter what it is, two chews and a swallow is all you need. Efficiency is the key…”
~Dogs probably
My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old
5y/o just told me he’s not afraid of ghosts because “they’re not even alive”
I don’t take Advil when I get my period. I need to feel all the not pregnant.
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
[Courtroom]
Lawyer: It wasn’t the fall that hurt you?
“No sir, it was…THE GROUND!”
*courtroom erupts*
*handcuffs are thrown on the ground*
Don’t quote me on this, but I’m pretty sure the guy who invented ice fishing must’ve REALLY hated his wife.
*skinny dips into black hole
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Geico commercials should just show pictures of Lindsay Lohan and Amanda Bynes and say “people like this are out there.”
PERSON: “You don’t have kids!? How old are you?”
ME: “31.”
P: “That surprises me. I’d be lost without my kids. I mean, how do you find meaning in life?”
M: “Marvel keeps coming out with films… so I have that.”
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
They say you become what you hate and so I am terrified I’m going to become a young, vibrant beautiful man who’s loathful life is full of undeserved luck and success.
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: IT’S CHRISTMAS EVE
DOG 911: so?
DOG: MY HUMAN SAID SOMEONE’S COMING IN THE HOUSE THROUGH THE CHIMNEY TONIGHT
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
sleep paralysis demon: why are there so many cups in this room???
How do extroverts know when to leave a party if they don’t have an introvert with them telling them it’s time to go? Do they just stay and make eggs for everyone in the morning? Rent their guestroom? Marry into the family? I have so many questions.
People who sound like fonts: Ariana Grande. Roman Roy. Jim Courier. Lydia West. Bon Iver. Suella Braverman. Jesse Ventura
Jack just tried to run down the bus, but sadly the bus was faster.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
alien: TAKE ME TO YOUR LEADER
me: [watching state of the union]
alien: oh crap
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
I do this weird thing where I feel fabulous then I have to get out of bed