Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
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Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
Parenting styles often relax as you have more kids. For example my 1st born ate only all-natural, organic food. My 2nd eats broken glass.
If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
Me: I just really want to kick this habit
Therapist: You want to kick nuns?
Me: No, it’s just an expression meaning I can’t escape my addiction
Theraprist: Oh, what are you addicted to?
Me: punching nuns
A haunted house for introverts that is just random people popping out and asking questions.
This chick last night told me to do her like her ex husband so I drained her bank accounts and banged her sister
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
Look, we don’t expect animals to be nice to strangers right away when they meet them, they need to sniff you to out a little bit to decide if you’re okay or not…. So how come when I do it people are like “Oh, she’s being weird again”
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Star Wars, but every character is Owen Wilson
“I didn’t want to come to your party.” – gift cards
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body and some people manage to get on every one.
‘I am your God, and now it is night!’ I say as I turn the fish tank light off.
Saw my son pretending to pole vault with a curtain rod. It took me a good 10 mins to realize it meant there were curtains down somewhere.
Ever look at someone and think you could spend the rest of your life saying. “What?” to this person?
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
The best thing about being 5 is using your age an an excuse to do things and also get out of doing things. It’s either, “I can do it, I’m 5 now” or “I can’t do it, I’m only 5.”
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
You get what you get and you don’t get upset. Unless you’re me, and then it’s the crying and the wailing and the walking with chains dragging at all hours.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Interviewer: So, tell me a little about yourself.
Me: I’m very attracted to you right now.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating