@Gre_Gone

Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.

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@envydatropic

It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated

@BromanConsul

My brother goes to “Peninsula High.” When the class of 2015 got senior shirts made, no one decided to regulate them.

@AimeeHelene1

1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*

@BonaFideIntent

I accidentally hit my ex-girlfriend today going 85mph with my car on purpose.

@LanieLalaBugs

I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?

@sixfootcandy

My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.

@Michael1979

OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.

@VeryLonelyLuke

I got mad at a rock today.

I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.

Now there are two rocks.

Send help. Now.

@StephenAtHome

If you’re doing nothing wrong, you have nothing to hide from the giant surveillance apparatus the government’s been hiding.