It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated
Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
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My brother goes to “Peninsula High.” When the class of 2015 got senior shirts made, no one decided to regulate them.
GPS: turn left onto High Street
Husband: no thanks, I know a longer way.
1st day of hunting season:
*puts on camo*
*climbs up in tree stand*
*waits w/binoculars to see one hunter accidentally shoot another hunter*
I accidentally hit my ex-girlfriend today going 85mph with my car on purpose.
I just want a man who’ll drag me to the bedroom, throw me on the bed & do dirty dishes while I take a nap. Is that too much to ask for?
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
OMG, just found my childhood diary! I was an adorable and strangely prescient little boy.
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
If you’re doing nothing wrong, you have nothing to hide from the giant surveillance apparatus the government’s been hiding.