Taxidermist’s Wife: Whatcha thinkin’ about?
Taxidermist: Stuff.
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Me, on the phone, in the middle of a story –
my dad: “All right, here’s your mother”
Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
Is there such a thing as filthy clean? Let’s take a shower together and find out.
No, these are my formal Crocs. We’re at a wedding, Sharon.
My heart 😭
“16 hours and you know what we have not lost one patient today”
THIS ENERGY! ALL DAY EVERY DAY 😭❤
Her name is Angie. She is a frontline Nurse in New York. She is 60 years old working 16 hour shifts at the hospital.
A HERO
KNOW HER NAME!
You know when people wear 2 t-shirts at once and they look trendy and it looks really good on them well when I do it people are like “hey did you know you’re wearing two shirts”
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
Nice beard bro looks like you just ate a bunch of lollipops then made out with your cat
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
What a year we’ve had this week.
My wife just pulled me into the other room and I thought she wanted to have a serious talk but she just wanted to give me m&m’s without the kids seeing.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
My first day as a coal miner is going so well!! I’m so glad that damn bird finally shut up haha
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
A wireless bra? They weren’t tricky enough, now I need a password?
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
trainer: Why are you here?
everyone else: To get fit!
me [with a mouthful of gummy bears] Mmfff
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
Priest: Don’t chew gum in church.
Me: If I don’t, I’ll have bad breath when I talk to God.
Priest:
Me: It’s your fault if I go to hell.
Killed another house plant but this time it was personal.
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
Me: Can you tell the girl in the white dress I think she’s hot?
Priest: Absolutely not
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
I don’t like labels, but I suppose “evil genius” fits about as well as any.