My Wife: Don’t look at your phone while driving
Also my wife when I’m driving: What do you think of these bar stools?
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“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
MOM: Your father was abducted by aliens last night.
ME: [about to adjust thermostat] Oh no.
[meanwhile in ufo]
ALIEN: What do you mean we have to turn around?
DAD: Somethings wrong I can’t explain it.
4: mom, [6] said if I eat my broccoli he’ll give me a prize, will you give me a prize too?
me: well, being healthy and strong is a good prize
4: no
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
Every Monday I say to myself, “Jim…you need to go on a diet and stop eating doughnuts.” Luckily, I am not Jim.
All peanut butter is crunchy if you mix chocolate chips into it.
Me: What do you want for your birthday?
12yo: I don’t know
Me, jokingly: Drugs?
12yo: Nah, too expensive
Me:
nobody: …
my dog: yay !! look dad, I’ve found the dried chicken foot I hid in the bedroom.
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
I’ve gotten to the point in my parenting career where I don’t just vacuum up Legos, I laugh while I do it.
“I’m frying some fish for supper, so yall come over & eat” is what I said.
“You’re also gonna be helping me move my piano” is what I meant.
I use subtitles so if I learn anything interesting I can say “I was reading about” instead of “I saw on an episode of Love is Blind”
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
“ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“RE-ENTER PASSWORD”
*types ‘snowflake’*
“ERROR. PASSWORDS MUST BE IDENTICAL”.
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
I’m open to change but not when it’s sudden like Stephen Colbert getting new glasses with no warning
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
he looks like the detective in a TV mystery series who’s been drinking a bit much since his wife died but always gets his man
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?