TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in

ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?

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“Apart from diet and exercise, anything else I should change, doctor?”

“Again, *wheeling me into surgery* the main thing is the bear fighting.”


Wife: You should’ve written your best man speech
Me: Relax I can freestyle

Me: On Dave and Sarah’s big day, I’d like to
Dave *whispers in my ear*
Me: On Dave and Rebecca’s big day


‘I’m really excited about the Pixar cowboy figure I got for my birthday.’


‘Not quite that excited.’


I get so fustrated when people say “supposably” or “irregardless” I feel like I’m literally drownding


My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!

My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!


[job interview]

What’s ur greatest strength?

“I wear too much cologne”

No, I mean-

“A lady legit passed out when I got in the elevator”


When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?


According to all these BMI charts…

I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.