@internetluke

TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in

ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?

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@punmagnate

What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?

@ClichedOut

Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.

Me: I wish for unlimited genies.

Genie: Son of a

@JJSummertime

Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.

@suntzufuntzu

maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]

@Donna_Gallers

1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face

@juliussharpe

I wish people were like Internet videos and you could tap them lightly to see a clock of how much longer they’re going to be talking.

@KBChicken75

Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now

@mrtruthandsoul

Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*

@haleysfalling

I’ve decided that I’m going to start texting people back.

That’s it. That’s the joke.

@djdarrellripley

Her: Do you still keep in touch with your ex-wife?

Me: Only by “automatic withdrawal.”