TAYLOR SWIFT: I knew you were trouble when you walked in

ME (wearing ski mask and holding up gun): what gave it away?

You Might Also Like


What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?


Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.

Me: I wish for unlimited genies.

Genie: Son of a


Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.


maybe its the cursed amulet talking, but [thousands of locusts fly from my mouth and form a living treasure map on the ceiling]


1. Go to the vets
2. Tell them your fish is poorly
3. Put a fish finger on the examining table
4. Do a sad face


I wish people were like Internet videos and you could tap them lightly to see a clock of how much longer they’re going to be talking.


Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now


Nurse: The doctor will be with you shortly…do you want me to close the door?
Me: Do you wanna watch?
Nurse: *closes door*


I’ve decided that I’m going to start texting people back.

That’s it. That’s the joke.


Her: Do you still keep in touch with your ex-wife?

Me: Only by “automatic withdrawal.”