I can’t stop fantasizing about gently, lovingly braiding a squid
Taylor Swift just waved at a boy and he didn’t wave back so now she’s got a new album coming out tomorrow.
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HER: it’s pretty sad when people are incapable of moving beyond small talk
ME: do you like things?
Genie: You can’t have unlimited wishes.
Me: I wish for unlimited genies.
Genie: Son of a
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
If you’re bored and looking for something to do this weekend, a reminder that you should not start running for president
I feel bad for lions at zoos. How would you feel if a bunch of pizzas came to your house, took your picture, and you couldn’t even eat them.
My doctor told me, “DON’T mix this medicine with alcohol or you could wake up somewhere naked with a monkey on your arm.” CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
Psychologist: I found that through a system of simple rewards I can train an animal to repeat a specific behavior.
Boss: Nice. Keep it up, Skinner, and you’ll get tenure.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.