Taylor Swift just waved at a boy and he didn’t wave back so now she’s got a new album coming out tomorrow.

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Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?


“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”

-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.


If I were a cat I’d probably waste my first 8 lives and then be panicked throughout the 9th.


Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”


Suicide terrorists: jokes on you! Virgins totally suck. Have fun jerking off while she cries.


I’m straight, but I’m not “wouldn’t spoon with George Clooney” straight.


There’s a marble statue of Mr. Peanut sculpted by Michaelangelo in the basement of the Sistine Chapel that only the popes know about