If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
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My kid drinks a teaspoon of medicine with the intensity of a sommelier at a wine tasting.
If you don’t walk sideways chanting ‘crab people’ when holding tongs, we can’t be friends.
Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I didn’t notice a new piece of furniture for two months.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
me: *nauseated from eating too much*
also me: did you say cake?
INTERVIEWER: describe yourself with one adjective
ME: [from left side of room] pendulous
INTERVIEWER: huh?
ME: [from right side of room] you heard me
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
ME: *kneading the crap out of a box of Kleenex*
STORE CLERK: Excuse me, what are you doing?
ME: deep tissue massage
CLERK: *whispering into walkie talkie* security
For $5 I’ll comment on your exes new relationship status saying “you gave me herpes!”
Banana is the quietest snack
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
I found a condom lying in the street in front of my house so I now know exactly where the rubber meets the road.
Nice job Instagramming your plane ticket with enough personal information to take out a mortgage in your name.
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
He’ll be directing planes to the gate in no time.
#PayInHay
#Kerching
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
We all have our weaknesses. Yours are just more obvious.
Californians forget how to drive when it rains
God: send them snow
When people name their town Plainview, at least they’re honest enough to admit it’s not much to look at.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47