@catlikethiefx0

Taylor Swift just waved at a boy and he didn’t wave back so now she’s got a new album coming out tomorrow.

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@NewDadNotes

[God creates walking]
Humans: nice

[God creates running]
Humans: haha nope

@KaylaAncrum

I’m by far not the best person but by far the worst thing I’ve ever done is accidentally touch the mailman through my house’s mail slot. I have never before heard the sort of noise he made after reaching into what he hoped was the cold embrace of a mail slot and finding a hand.

@CrockettForReal

If you don’t think kids will find literally anything to fight about you’ve clearly never witnessed an argument over the colors orange and purple

@joeljeffrey

I’m not afraid of identity theft. Go ahead and enjoy being broke and having my dad call you a failure.

@shutupmikeginn

Ugh I hate living next to an art school I dragged an old couch outside and a bunch of dudes came over and they’re just taking pictures of it

@eff_yeah_steph

My mom found a Barbie Dreamhouse at a garage sale when I was a kid, but all the stickers were ripped off so I drew on appliances and wallpaper. Debbie, down the street, called it Barbie Crackhouse and now she wants to be my friend on Facebook? Ha!

@Fred_Delicious

Kenya please explain why you called Chad a Niger? You Congo around using words like that or all of a Sudan you Ghana have no place Togo

@Not_DeeAnn

17: I’m locked out

Me: The spare key is in the fake rock behind the pillar

17: What’s the fake rock look like?

@TheIntComShow

The only gardening I’m interested in doing right now is Olive Gardening