Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
Taylor Swift just waved at a boy and he didn’t wave back so now she’s got a new album coming out tomorrow.
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“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”
-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.
Mummies are basically just zombie burritos.
medusa but her hair is an anaconda
If I were a cat I’d probably waste my first 8 lives and then be panicked throughout the 9th.
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
Suicide terrorists: jokes on you! Virgins totally suck. Have fun jerking off while she cries.
I’m straight, but I’m not “wouldn’t spoon with George Clooney” straight.
There’s a marble statue of Mr. Peanut sculpted by Michaelangelo in the basement of the Sistine Chapel that only the popes know about