Taylor Swift just waved at a boy and he didn’t wave back so now she’s got a new album coming out tomorrow.

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HER: I’ll only agree to do nudity if it’s done tastefully

PRIEST: And I understand the groom has also written his own vows



Her: why is my dead grandfather wearing a diamond ring?

*sliding it off his finger*

Me: *gets down on one knee* because babe…


There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.

There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.


It’s stupid that “girl” and “world” are rhymed together so much in songs when “squirrel” is right there for the taking.


I wish I were a celebrity so I could be wearing a person instead of a suit.


I hope you guys realize that sunflower seeds are salted little plant babies.


therapist: would some music help you feel more centered?

me: no thanks, I’m self-centered

therapist: again, that’s why we’re here


reporter: “what inspired your theory of gravity”
isaac newton: “i fell off the toil-”
agent: [leans into mic] “an apple hit him on the head”


When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework


I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.