@catlikethiefx0

Taylor Swift just waved at a boy and he didn’t wave back so now she’s got a new album coming out tomorrow.

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@panmidwest

Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?

@AngryRaccoon2

“Go clean up your mansion!!!!!”

-My orthodontist, to his children, probably.

@LittleMissAngr1

If I were a cat I’d probably waste my first 8 lives and then be panicked throughout the 9th.

@TheFaceOfDave

Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”

@djderk

Suicide terrorists: jokes on you! Virgins totally suck. Have fun jerking off while she cries.

@TheMichaelRock

I’m straight, but I’m not “wouldn’t spoon with George Clooney” straight.

@ruinedpicnic

There’s a marble statue of Mr. Peanut sculpted by Michaelangelo in the basement of the Sistine Chapel that only the popes know about