Taylor Swift seems like the kind of chick who’d stare at her boyfriend while he’s sleeping.
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The lack of paparazzi at this BBQ makes me think that my aunt can probably stop referring to her potato salad as “famous.”
It’s not a coincidence that we use the term “committed” to refer to both relationships and a stay at a mental institution
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
Venus and Serena are famous for being Tennis-y Williams
There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
*cracking knuckles, sharpening ax, loading 12-gauge*
Alright, it’s time to recite some poetry
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Hank is one in a melon.
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
Got disqualified from the rap battle for being too dope*
*trying to start a tickle fight
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m black??
Cop: Sir, you’re white, driving 90 in a 30.
Me: Racist.
Cop: Get out.
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target today and, long story short, I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
Neighbor just yelled at me for playing in his sprinkler.
Note to self, I should wear clothes next time.
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
Everybody knows Tuesdays are the second marriage of the week. Optimistic. Hopeful. Definitely not like Monday, that so-and-so.
“Hi, I’m Lucky, this is Bandit, and this is Shadow.”
– if people were named like pets
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
Judge: you’ve been charged with assault
Batman: you mean battery
Judge: no it was physical assault
Batman: *whispers* batsault
Air Force now asking the public to help them find their camouflage uniforms.