@JennyJohnsonHi5

Taylor Swift tweeted a picture of her cat watching the Olympics and just as I suspected, Taylor’s bedroom looks like a giant doily.

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@QuiteQuietOne

Thanks to yesterday’s chili, I can definitively tell you that there are 242 tiles in this bathroom stall.

@OwenJones84

Unless someone can convincingly explain why his folder suddenly changes colour, none of us will ever truly be at peace

@Ideal_Victoria

My boyfriend just texted me, “We need to talk.” I think he’s going to propose!

@Home_Halfway

INTERVIEWER: What’s your best strength?

ME: I’m very self-lubricated

INT: You mean self-motivated?

ME: *slides out of the office* Nooooooooooo

@ddsmidt

Sometimes men engage in risky behavior.

Like when they buy a vacuum cleaner for their wife for her birthday present.

@sageboggs

Listen up, guys

Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose

@Vodkantots

If a guy doesn’t return your texts for 4 months, it might be over.

It probably isn’t, but it might be.

@donni

You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person

@ConanOBrien

Sorry you didn’t win Best Picture, “Mad Max: Fury Road,” but if Trump wins the election, you can re-submit for “Best Documentary.”