Murder hornets don’t sting as bad as accidentally opening the front camera.
You Might Also Like
People like to encourage you with helpful advice like “sing like no one is listening” but hate it when you actually do it in line at the Target checkout
Krang: My robot body will crush my enemies but they will always be reminded of my brainpower because they will see me through a window!
Henchman: In the h-
K: In the stomach, yes!
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
EXPLORER: so we found all this new land
KING: Sweet What did you name it?
E: Newfoundland
K[rubbing bridge of nose]: Guards, execute him
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
Please keep me in your thoughts and prayers right now. Nothing is going on, I’m just a narcissist.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
Hotel California is basically a negative Yelp review with a two minute guitar solo.
[loudly in front of a bunch of ducks] “OH NO I SEEM TO HAVE BROUGHT TOO MUCH BREAD WITH ME WHATEVER SHALL I DO?” *ducks try to play it cool*
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
In my pocket is a computer far more powerful than the one that took Apollo11 to the Moon. I use it to photograph food & fling birds at pigs.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
My 10 year old just told his friend I’m cranky cus I have my “pyramid”.
Who knew a midlife crisis could have so few convertibles and so many cats?
my kids: i can’t wait! we’re going to the beach! squee!
also my kids: ew! i hate sand! get it off of me!
A collection of me turning into random objects.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
I bet Usher shows everyone to their seats at his concerts.
Me: I’m heading to the grocery store. Any requests?
12-year-old: You know the stuff you usually buy?
Me: Yeah.
12: Don’t get any of it.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
Danger is my middle name. My parents were idiots.
A case of yoo-hoos, canned spaghetti and xanax. I’m like a 6 year old with anxiety and a driver’s license.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves