Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
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Sometimes if I trip on a crack I act like it’s no biggie by breaking into a jog and don’t stop until I’m in a new city with a new life.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
imagine asking a blind girl out in braille & she leave you on felt
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
celebrating pi day by not knowing when to stop
BRIAN MAY: It was an accident. Let’s dump the body and split, we’ll meet up again this time tomorrow. Remember, no one can know about this. Can’t tell your friends, can’t tell your wives. You can’t even tell your own mamas. Understood?
FREDDIE MERCURY: (already humming) got it
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
[helps little old lady across street]
ME: so can I be in your will?
It is with a heavy heart that I announce I will no longer be accepting mayonnaise as a form of payment because SOME of you *glares at the crowd* made it weird.
If you find me on my death bed, please wake me up and move me over to the life couch. Throw the death bed away, I don’t know why I keep it.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
They also CAN sing✌️
Melo: “What I gotta do to get signed?”
NBA:
Me: (squeezing into a gown) I’m so sick of the fashion industry. Who do you even make these clothes for? Children?
Disney Store clerk: Yes.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
Me: *finally understanding how change machines work* ahh ok that makes cents
I’m returning this head of lettuce. It tastes awful.
“Sir, that’s a loofah.”
Oh. I’m returning this loofah. Someone took a bite out of it.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
Hey! So I have a new YouTube channel. It’s a desperate attempt to make some $$$ (survival reasons) – Think you could support and subscribe?
While we are here, if you have feedback on the new site design, please let me know – trying to address one by one. Someone told me that there are way too many ads now, I have reduced the number of ads and increased the no. of funny tweets per page. Can’t wait to hear from you!
Girlfriends are always complaining, you don’t remember this, you don’t remember that!!
Well we are men, not memory foam!
#mattressjokes
To graduate DJ school you have to pass your vinyls.
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
Canadian Tinder users are 56% male, 44% female and 33% holding a fresh trout
I’ve been a girl for 36 years, and I still don’t know how to correctly use bobby pins.