ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
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Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
This device could predict incoming phone calls.
When they wheel me out in a body bag I hope someone sticks a pair of googly eyes on the outside.
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
Amazon Prime would be a good title for a Wonder Woman movie.
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
remember if you’re not helping cook be sure to ask (in a half hearted fashion) if they need any assistance and leave the room before they answer
[on a farm]
Me: *sees a cow standing next to a bucket*
Oh, I’ve always wanted to do thatFarmer: Go ahead!
Me: *stands next to a bucket*
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
[meeting new people]
Them: so, tell me something fun about yourself
Me: *nervously* I don’t wear clown makeup usually
Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
My boss waters the fake plant outside my office and I let him continue doing it because it makes me laugh every single time
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
man I hope machines don’t become sentient robots in my lifetime because my voicemail lady would straight up kick the shit outta me
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
The baby gets furious when I try to undress him.
He gets that from his mother.
[a 2nd grade classroom 5 yrs from now]
TEACHER: Khaleesi M, please leave Khaleesi S alone. Khaleesi T, I still need your permission slip
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
So much respect for Bed Bath & Beyond for covering all three categories of things that can be sold
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Me: Can I leave early today?
Boss: No.
Me: Can you leave early then?
Boss: What?
Me: What?
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit a propeller on the way down.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
Him: I’d like to hear you scream.
Me: *screams like a banshee*