TBH the people putting gas in plastic bags are less delusional than I am when I pack gym clothes for a vacation
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I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story?
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
I identify as a McDonald’s ice-cream machine because I go down when you really want me.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
fall is almost here time to pull out the flannel condoms
Friend: I’ve been so productive lately! Today I’m gonna organize my closet, color code my bookshelf and bake allllll the bread.
Me: That’s awesome. I’m gonna try to keep my phone from going below 20%.
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I’m 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
Real girls have curves. A real girl is just one long, continuous curve. Do not date girl unless she is a parabola.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
I keep finding chocolate wrappers on the ground and I’m so disappointed in my daughter. I thought I raised her better to hide the evidence.
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
interviewer: can you explain the 5 year gap in your resumé
me: yes
interviewer: are you going to?
me: no
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
Women think all the scars on my arms makes me look tough. They don’t know the truth that they’re from reaching into vending machines
There’s a bald spot in my yard so I’m gonna let the grass around it grow really long and then do a comb-over.
The corner of this table hurt me and made me cry, so now we’re dating
Dear Olive Garden,
They grow on trees. Your name should be Olive Orchard. Seems like someone could have googled this.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
One of these days I will remember I’m wearing a mask before trying to shove a straw in my mouth to drink something but today is not that day. Tomorrow is not looking good either.
People are far, far too judgmental these days.
I can tell just by looking at them.